Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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