You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
where am i from again
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
