I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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