you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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