She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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