dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I think I sprained my soul last night
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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