I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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