fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
