Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
