If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
