Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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