They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
