I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
