If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
