my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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