Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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