I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Im part way to drunk.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
