When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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