it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
