I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
