i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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