remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
