so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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