lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
