My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Let's get the cat blown out
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
