There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
