Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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