Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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