i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I am one with the molecules
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
