I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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