dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
