I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
