I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
