Pants 0. Shit 1.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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