I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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