I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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