Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
