I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
