I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
BRING THE BAGELS
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
