Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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