She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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