I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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