i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
