Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
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Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
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How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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