Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
