All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
