I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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