I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
