I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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