This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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