Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
