my mouth tastes like poor choices
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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