You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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