dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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