what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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