Where is the hickey?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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