Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I will die if light touches me.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
