my phone needs a breathalizer
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
