I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
