I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
